Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
