Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
