every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
