I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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