I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
