tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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