The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
