I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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