Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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