I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
