apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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