I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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