ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
