I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
