The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
