the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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