i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
