oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
