We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
