Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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