I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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