If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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