My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
