last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
