Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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