Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
