i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
