I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
