I want to stick my p in your. b.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
