it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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