Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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