John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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