He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.