I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
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Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
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Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.