When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Randomize
