did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
