apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
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He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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