I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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