walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
