On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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