she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
cat food counts as protein by the way
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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