I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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