I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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