I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
