life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
