I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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