I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks