whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick