i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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