yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
