Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
