I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
