i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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