i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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