HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
