I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
