Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
