What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She has the best kind of daddy issues
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
