She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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