he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
