My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
