You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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