Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
