i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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